For the next week Lance and the others traveled around to finish promoting before
the tour kicked off with a bang. Two weeks of
cities and venues went by and Lance hadn't found a spare minute to call Paige, so finally
after their first night in Milwaukee he called her from the hotel. "Hi Paige, my name is Lance. I'm not sure if you remember me or not, but I met
you a few months ago and I came to see you and everything." He smiled when she answered the phone.
"Hmm, the name sounds familiar." She
laughed and played along. "How is the
tour going?"
"Great." Lance nodded and
tried not to yawn.
"Where are you?"
"Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Home of the
cheese heads or something."
"Do you have a performance tonight?"
"Did. We're done and back at the
hotel."
"Oh, you must be tired."
"Yeah a little." Lance
smiled. "But I haven't talked to you in
forever so I wanted to uh, to just call and say hi and see how things were going."
"Things are going great over here. Hope
is learning more words every day it seems. This
week she picked up 'no', so everything has been 'no' this and 'no' that. It's actually kind of cute."
"Aww, I'll bet it is." Lance
smiled and pictured the smiling little girl in the picture frame he'd tucked into his
suitcase. "So hey, I got you your tickets
and passes and everything for you guys to come out."
"Really?"
"Yep. I don't think the tickets
have even gone on sale yet, but I know a guy." He
laughed and paced in the small hall between the bedroom and the little living room in the
front of the room.
"Cool."
"I can't wait for you to come see the show, it really is awesome this
time."
"I can't wait to see it. It'll be
kind of weird with Hope and all
but
well, we'll see." Paige smiled. "So
what did you do today?"
"What did I do today?" Lance
yawned as he sat down on the love seat by the window.
"I got up at six or six thirty or something, had a quick breakfast while we
rode over to the arena to do a press thing there, then we hung out for a while and goofed
around. For lunch Chris, JC and me went to
this sushi place that was just awesome. They
made everything right there in front of you. Then
we had a meeting back at the arena, the sound check party, then we went back to get ready
for the show, had the show and now we're back here."
"Sounds busy."
"It's a lot of 'hurry up and wait', you know?
But we have fun." Lance stood up
and headed for the door. "Wanna come with
me to get some water and ice?"
"Sure." Paige smiled as she
heard him open his door with the ice bucket in his hand.
"Cool." He smiled and headed
down the hall. "So hey, do you by any
chance know when the next conference thing is?"
"Conference thing?"
"For the uh, the Donor Foundation?" Lance
asked.
"Oh
no." Paige shook
her head and switched the phone from one ear to the other.
"I'll call them tomorrow though, or go in.
I should go in, I feel like I've been neglecting the foundation."
"No rush, really." Lance
shook his head. "I'd just like to go
again, but I'll need to see if I can work it into my schedule."
"Yeah." Paige nodded. "Of course you'll probably be suckered into
speaking again."
"That's okay." Lance laughed
and tried not to blush as he remembered how nervous he was last time. "Do you think they'd care if I just did the
same speech again?"
"Nah, no one will notice. You're a
big celebrity you know. You could probably
just get up there and talk about dirt and they'd be thrilled."
"Gee thanks, I'd like to think I have more to offer than dirt talk." He smiled as he rounded the corner by the ice
machine.
"Ooooh, you're talking dirty?" Joey
smirked as he dodged Lance with his hands full of ice buckets.
"No, I'm not talking dirty." Lance
rolled his eyes and shook his head.
"Dude, you just said you were
doing dirty talk or something." Joey
frowned then laughed. "Know what? I don't need to hear you talk dirty man, take that
kinda talk to your own room or something. This
is a family establishment you know." Joey laughed and continued down the hall.
"I'm sorry, Joey just has a dirty mind."
Lance said into the phone.
"That's okay." Paige laughed
as she mentally pictured the exchange. "He
sounds like he'd be a lot of fun though."
"Fun how?"
"Just fun."
"I'm hoping you mean fun like he'd be fun to hang out with like a kid
and not fun in the way Joey would mean it." Lance
smiled as he filled his ice bucket with ice, then bought two bottled waters, one for that
night and one for the morning.
"I mean fun for you to hang out
with. He's a little too much for me."
"He's a little too much for everyone
I think." Lance laughed and stepped back
into the hall to go back to his room. He
nodded 'hello' to Lonnie as he stood watch at the end of the hall, then continued to his
room three doors down. "He's a good guy
though." Lance said as he sat on his bed
and took his shoes off. He tossed them toward
the closet in the corner and opened one of the bottles of water.
"I'm sure he is." Paige
nodded. "They all seem great."
"Yeah." Lance took one of the
small glasses from the table beside the bed and filled it with ice and water. He got his pills out of his backpack and sighed as
he set them out on the bed, "Yay, pill
time."
"Isn't it late?"
"Nope, I've altered my schedule for the tour.
I usually took these at nine, but at nine we're on stage, so now I take them at
eleven which is after the show."
"What about those nights when you don't have a show?"
"Well I don't go to bed before midnight anyway, so it works."
"Man, I don't know how you could keep track of all of those pills. Honestly, I forget to take my prescriptions all the
time." Paige sighed.
"Well if you knew that not taking them may make your heart stop, I think you'd
be better at taking them."
"True, very true. The worst that
could happen to me is that my sinus infection or whatever would linger for a few more
days."
"Yep." Lance smiled and
popped the three pills in his mouth. He washed
them down with the glass of water, then filled it again.
"But what about when Hope has medicine, you make sure she gets it right?"
"Yeah." Paige smiled.
"Every four hours like she's supposed to?"
"Within a few minutes, yeah."
"See? You could do it. You've just got to rearrange your priorities." Lance laughed lightly and tried not to yawn. "Anyway, it's getting late so I'd better let
you go." Lance said softly as he checked
his watch and counted backwards to Arizona time.
"Okay. Have a good show
tomorrow." Paige reached for the kettle
of boiling water and took it off the burner.
"We will."
"I'll talk to you later."
"Alright. Love you." He responded out of habit. As soon as the words left his lips, his mind
clicked in and tried to form a sentence that would follow that, to make her think she'd
heard him wrong; but nothing came to mind. "I
- wh - I mean - " Was the best he could
do.
"I... bye." Paige said as her
heart jumped into her throat and made breathing difficult.
She set the kettle back on the stove and put her hand over her uneasy stomach as
her face burned with a blush.
Lance clicked the phone off and closed his eyes.
He'd said it without even meaning to. It
was a complete accident, a fluke, he was riding on autopilot
but that didn't mean he
didn't mean it. He did mean it, but he didn't intend for it to just
spill out like that. Saying something like
that took time, it took planning and some kind of intent.
His fingers hovered over the buttons on the phone as he thought about calling her
back. "What would I say?" He asked himself.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean it? That
wasn't what I meant to say?" Lance sighed
and pulled his bottom lip between his teeth. He
may not have meant to say it at that very moment, but timing wasn't always in his control. It just came out of nowhere.
After a full minute of deliberation, Lance decided not to call her back. He didn't see a reason for making a big deal out of it when she may not have even heard it. He convinced himself that she hadn't heard him, then stripped off the rest of his clothes and climbed under the blankets; he would shower in the morning when he'd need to actually stop and think about it.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The next day Paige tried not to think about what Lance had said, and for a moment
even thought that she had imagined it. She
drove over to the Donor Foundation to touch base since she hadn't been there in more than
a week and hadn't seen Donna in even longer than that since she had been on vacation. Paige walked into the donor foundation with Hope on
her hip and greeted her friend with a happy smile, Hey Donna. She leaned on the counter and sat Hope on the edge
by the pamphlets.
Paige! Wow, what a coincidence. Lacey just called you. Donna smiled and walked around he desk to hug her. My goodness, look at Hope! She's growing like a weed!
Yeah, I keep watering her and she keeps growing. Paige laughed and asked, Wheres Dan? I wanted to find out when and where the next
convention was. I uh
I think Id
like to go again.
Ahh, well hes in the process of planning it right now. I dont know if theyve settled a date or
not. You know how those suits are. She rolled her eyes.
Theyve got to fit it in between their games of golf and their important business meetings.
I know how that goes. Paige
nodded and looked around the small office. So
whats new?
Well, its pretty funny that you came in today. We got something for you.
You did? Paiges heart
sped up for a moment and she reminded herself to breathe.
Another blue one? She asked
hopefully.
Donna shook her head; Nope. You got a green one.
Green. Paige whispered. Shed worked with the donor foundation enough
to know that a green envelope was a recipient or donor who would like to make contact.
You dont have to take it. Donna
said quickly as she noticed Paige's hesitation. I
just
you said you wanted to know if anything came in.
No I
yeah I did. Paige
nodded. I dont
I dont
want to take it right now though. She
shook her head. But dont lose
it.
Itll be right here in your file if you or Jim ever want to see
it. Donna nodded and slid the pale green
envelope into the file in front of her.
Paige took a deep and shaky breath, Wow
I never actually thought Id get one.
Are you okay? Donna reached
for Hope and bounced the little girl on her hip while the color came back to Paiges
cheeks.
Yeah, no Im fine. Paige
nodded. Its just weird you know? I dont know if I want to look. I thought I did at first but now that its
here, its like
I dont know. When
I signed up for this thing I never thought anyone would respond and now I've kind of
changed my mind and I don't want to know.
You dont have to.
I know I dont. Paige
gave her a wobbly smile. I just
dont know if I want to or not. Once I
look theres no going back you know?
Well
all this has is their name and stuff in it. Just seeing that doesnt mean theyre
going to move in with you or anything. Donna
tried to keep it light with a little joke.
No, I know. Paige took
another deep breath and reached for Hope. Wow
I completely forgot why I came by here now.
Did you want to work the rest of my shift and let me go home early?" Donna smiled.
"No, I'm pretty sure that wasn't it."
Paige tried to laugh back, but she found it hard to keep her mind on track. "Oh well, if I remember I'll give you a
call." She bounced Hope on her hip and
turned to the door.
Paige left the Donor Foundation empty handed, and loaded Hope into her car seat. "I'll just think about it for twenty four
hours
no need to rush anything." She
said to her reflection in the rear view mirror. Her
brow furrowed slightly as she brushed her hair off her cheek to get a good look at
herself.
In her head she knew she was only 24 years old, but her eyes deceived even herself. She looked ancient.
Then suddenly, she felt ancient. In the two years since Travis' death she'd run the
gamut of emotions in every direction possible. Just
when she'd think she was doing okay something would come along and bump her off course. Finding out she was pregnant, getting the anonymous
letters from recipients, meeting Lance
then again, that was a good thing. Being around Lance was the only time she really
felt 'okay'. He brought a new little spark to
her life and if she put how they met out of her mind, she could completely disassociate
him with anything having to do with Travis. He
was nothing at all like Travis, and that was what she liked most. Under different, very different, circumstances, she
could see herself falling for a guy like Lance.
"Mama ow bye." Hope babbled
from the back seat, kicking her feet happily.
"Okay baby, are we ready to go?" Paige
blinked quickly then looked at Hope in the rearview mirror.
"Let's go home and get some dinner."
Paige forced herself to concentrate on the road as the image of a little green
envelope floated through her mind all the way back to her home. When they arrived she quickly grabbed Hope from her
seat and carried her up the short steps to their front door.
As she walked into the house, she dropped Hope's diaper bag by the door and headed
for the kitchen.
The light was blinking on her answering machine, and she said a small prayer that
it would be Lance. If anyone could understand
what she was going through, it was him. She
sighed softly, then hit the play button on her answering machine. She listened to two salesmen try to convince her
machine that they had the right mortgage rate for her
her and her rented home. The third message was from Hopes daycare lady
to let her know that Hope had left her pink blanket there and not to worry, shed
wash it so it would be clean when they came by on Friday.
By the time the fourth message began, Hope was squirming to get down and Paige had
dinner plans running through her mind.
Hello, this message is for Paige Stewart.
This is Lacey calling from the Flagstaff Donor Foundation. Weve received a correspondence for you at our
office located at 1414 Dumont Street. If you
would like to call, the number here is 602-555-5285.
Paige frowned and sighed again, then hit the 'erase all' button and listened as the
tape rewound itself.
Paige set Hope on the floor and walked into the kitchen to get out the macaroni and
cheese mix. In the car she had made up her
mind to think about whether or not she wanted to
get the envelope, but now she was having second thoughts.
Donna was right, just because she had it
didnt mean she had to open it. And opening it didnt mean she had to respond. And responding didnt mean she had to meet
them.
She made the macaroni and cheese, then ate it with Hope as she sat in her little
high chair. "Know what kiddo? Mommy got a letter today and I don't know if I
should go get it." Paige looked at Hope
as she took a bite of her dinner. "Do you
think I should go get it and read it?" She
asked the toddler.
"Babama oww. Uh oh." Hope giggled as she dropped a baby-sized handful of
noodles on the floor.
"That doesn't help much sweetie." Paige
smiled and placed another spoonful of noodles onto Hope's tray. They finished their dinner then Paige put Hope in
the living room to play for a minute while she cleaned up.
As she wiped the high chair tray clean in the sink, she thought about the envelope
and the letter waiting for her at the Donor Foundation.
It was already after five and she knew they were only open until six. If she didn't go get it tonight, she wouldn't be
able to get it until the next day. "Which is fine because you're waiting 24
hours." She thought to herself.
"But what if I decide tonight that I want to read it and I can't?" She asked herself.
Without anyone there to talk to, she'd taken to talking to herself. "If I'm thinking like that I might as well go
get it. Having it here doesnt mean I
have to read it." She reminded herself.
Just then, Hope erupted in giggles in the living room causing Paige to stop
cleaning and listen. The little girl laughed
hysterically at something and Paige smiled, "What
did you find, you little stinker?"
Paige rounded the corner into the living room and saw Hope standing up, using the
couch for balance. She was looking at the far
corner of the couch and laughing with her wide blue eyes closed into tiny squints. "What are you laughing at you silly
girl?" Paige walked up behind Hope and
lifted her onto her lap. "You're a silly
little girl Hopesy Wopesy." She tickled
Hope's sides then held her tight. "Sweetie,
you look so much like your daddy
" Paige
sighed as she released Hope from her embrace and looked down into her smiling eyes. "You really do."
"Hi?" Hope grinned to show
off her little teeth, then wiggled out of Paige's lap and walked to the corner of the
couch and climbed up to sit across from Paige. "Uh
oh."
"You know what kiddo? I think we
should go get that letter. What do you
think?" She asked Hope again as she
nodded.
Hope imitated her mother and nodded right back at her, then flung herself back onto
the cushions and giggled again.
"You're a nut." Paige smiled
and pushed herself off the couch to call Jim before she changed her mind again. She leaned on the counter as she dialed, and waited
a few seconds for Jim to pick up. "Hey
Jim, this is Paige." She said softly. After all these years she still identified herself
when she called her father-in-law.
"Hey sweets, how's it going?"
"I'm okay." She sighed and
ran her finger along the edge of the counter. "Um,
do you think you could keep an eye on Hope tonight? I
know it's Thursday and you usually go bowling with the guys but I
we uh, we got a
green envelope today."
"Oh." Jim said after a
moment's pause. "A green one huh?"
"Yeah. In fact, my God why didn't
I think of this? Why don't you come over here
and we can open it together. I'm sorry Jim, I
didn't even think about you wanting to see it."
"No no sweets, I can see it any time."
He shook his head. "If you'd like
to open it in private then that's okay with me."
"Yeah but you should see it too."
"So you can show me tomorrow." Jim
smiled. "You can show me then we can talk
about it."
"Are you sure you don't mind?"
"I don't mind at all. Go ahead and
bring Hope on by, she can come bowling with me. The
guys adore her, and I get an extra pin with each shot when I bring her." He laughed lightly.
"You're a lifesaver Jim, really." Paige
sighed with relief as Hope dug some crackers out of her diaper bag. "I'll be over in ten minutes."
"I'll be waiting." Jim smiled
as he hung up the phone. He had worried about
Paige since the day of Travis' accident; she just wasn't herself since then. In the back of his mind he knew she had to move on,
to find someone else that would make her happy and to find some sort of closure. Maybe this green envelope was a step in the right
direction. Perhaps being in contact with
someone whose life was saved because of their decision, would help her to see the goodness
in what she had done and to get over the suffocating grief.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Paige dropped Hope off at Jim's and kissed them both goodbye before she jumped back
in her car to go back to the foundation. Butterflies
took off in her stomach as she pulled the door open and stepped into the silent office. "Hey."
She said softly as she leaned on the counter.
Donna looked up quickly and smiled, "Hey
yourself."
"I think I want the letter now."
"You think so?" Donna reached
into the file in front of her. She'd kept it
out, knowing that Paige would be back.
"Yeah, I think so." Paige
nodded and tried to ignore the trickle of sweat that was making its way down her back. Thunder crashed in the distance and both ladies
looked toward the ceiling. "It's the
perfect night to get curled up with a mug of hot chocolate and read it, don't you
think?"
"These storms always give me the willies."
Donna shook her head and placed the green envelope on the counter in front of
Paige's hands. "Where's the
munchkin?"
"I uh
I took her to Jim's. I
kind of wanted to do this myself, you know?"
"I know." Donna nodded and
tilted her head to the side as Paige gently rested her fingers on the paper. "Are you going to be okay?"
"Yep." Paige forced a weak
smile and slid the envelope off the counter and into her purse. "I'll be fine." She heaved a heavy sigh and met Donna's eye. "This is a good thing, right? This will help me move on and be okay with
everything, right?"
"Of course it will honey." Donna
whispered.
Tears flashed in Paige's eyes as she nodded, "I'm
just being a big baby about it." She
laughed nervously. "Okay, well thanks
Donna. I'll uh, I'll talk to you tomorrow,
okay?"
"Okay." Donna nodded with a
look of concern. "Is Jim keeping Hope all
night?"
"No, I don't think so. He's
bowling so I told him I'd pick her up after."
"Okay."
"Th - Thanks." Paige clasped
her purse shut and turned for the door. It
took all of her strength, both physical and mental, to walk out the door without tearing
the envelope open. She locked her purse in her
trunk for the drive home, then forced herself to make a cup of hot chocolate and change
into something more comfortable before she let herself read the letter.
For all she knew it could just be two little lines,
"My name is Bob. I got a kidney." But then again, it could be something much, much
more. She added a splash of peppermint
schnapps to her hot chocolate then went into her bedroom with her purse in her hand.
With the hot chocolate on the table beside her, she pulled the letter out of her
purse, then dropped the bag on the floor. She
turned the envelope over in her hands to read the donor number printed on the outside by
some random foundation worker, probably in a whole other city.
Paige closed her eyes and slid her finger under the flap of the envelope, releasing
the weak glue and opening the top. She reached
inside and pulled out the two pages of plain white paper and slowly opened her eyes. Her heart raced in her chest as she held the folded
papers in her hand, this was the point of no return. "I
can still put it away
" She
whispered to herself as she sat on the edge of her bed.
The mug of hot chocolate sat steaming on the little nightstand, filling her
nostrils with the minty chocolate scent. She
brought the cup to her lips and blew on the cocoa before she took a sip, letting the
schnapps warm her from the inside out. "You
can do this. It's just paper, you don't have
to respond." Her lips barely moved as she
gave herself a little pep talk. For the first
time she wished someone were there with her to do this, she was too nervous to open it on
her own.
The phone on the bed beside her invited her to call Jim to have him come over and
open it together, or to call Lance to get the moral support she needed from him. He'd understand in a way no one else could, what
she was going through. "Just do it." She closed her eyes and shook her head as she
unfolded the paper and took a deep breath.
As she exhaled the paper waved in her hand but stayed open. With her heart pounding she set her drink down and
read the first line of the letter.
Dear Donor
Family -
I wrote to you before to thank you for your incredible gift, I am the heart
recipient. I don't know if you received the
first letter I sent, or if you will get this one either, but I just wanted to have this
out there
just in case.
Paige smiled; this was easier than she expected.
She still had the original letter that the heart recipient had sent the year
before, and she felt a sort of kinship with this person who would no longer remain
anonymous.
As she continued to read her brow furrowed into a frown and her mouth became dry,
there was something strikingly familiar in the writing.
The way the T's were crossed, the way the capital I's dipped below the line. The mention of show business and Hawaii triggered
something in her mind and she squinted as she continued to read. Her mind refused to make the connection until she
reached the end of the letter where it was signed.
Thank you
again, for the million possibilities -
Lance -
Heart recipient
Paige's lips turned cold and her hands began to shake as the possibility presented
itself. "No." She shook her head as she frantically pulled open
the drawer on her nightstand. Her journal was
on top and the letter Lance had written to her was sticking out of the top.
Paige pulled it out and laid it on the comforter beside the letter she'd just read. She spread them both out flat and put the
signatures side by side, removing any doubt. "No
no." Her stomach lurched and the hot
chocolate rose to the back of her throat as the alcohol burned in her nose.
"This
is some horrible joke." She thought
to herself as she reached across the bed for her phone.
She hit the speed dial button for Lance's cell phone and prayed he'd answer. She could feel her neck and shoulders tense up as
the phone rang in her ear, "Answer dammit!"
She growled as her feet tapped nervously on the floor. Paige crossed her arms over her stomach and leaned
forward onto her knees to try to settle her queasy stomach.
Lance wiped his mouth on the sleeve of his t-shirt and stepped into the hall with
Joey. They were on their way to the last of
their eleven interviews that day and Lance was exhausted.
He swirled the ice in his clear blue plastic cup then raised it to his lips and
finished the last of his iced tea. A
cell phone played The Entertainer as Lance
stifled a yawn. "Who's ringing?" Lonnie asked as he fell into step beside Lance, "Is that you?"
"Shit." Lance blushed and
pulled is cell phone out of his pocket. Just
as he went to hand it to Lonnie for safe keeping during the interview, he saw that it was
Paige's Arizona number. "Hang on." He held up his finger and hit the 'talk' button
with his thumb.
"Hey you, how's it - " Lance
smiled flirtatiously though she couldn't see.
What is this? She demanded
before he had time to finish his sentence.
What? Lance frowned and
moved away from the others as they walked down the hall toward their interview.
Lance? Justin stopped
and looked back at Lance as he stood close to the wall.
Go on, Ill be there in a second.
Lance waved him off and turned back to the phone.
Paige?
What the hell are you doing? She
demanded in a voice that didnt sound like her own.
"I'm going to an interview." He
frowned with confusion.
"What is this?"
Whats what? What's
wrong? Fear settled in his stomach as he
leaned against the wall and held his drink to his side.
Paige?
You think this is a joke?! This
is you are sick. What kind of disgusting person are you? She practically shouted into the phone.
Paige I whats wrong. Tell
me whats wrong. What happened?
I hope youre satisfied! You
and your sick sick joke. I can not believe you, youve
you make
me sick. I can not believe I trusted
you.
Time out. Paige, what happened? What did I do?
You know what you did! Her
hand shook from squeezing the phone so hard.
I dont! Lance started
to feel panicky himself as he pressed himself closer to the wall. Tell me whats wrong? Do you want me to come there? I can be there in
Stay away from me. Paige
growled.
What is wrong? Youre freaking me out here.
I got a green envelope today. Paige
said softly.
A gr Lance stopped
and closed his eyes. He knew what a green
envelope meant to her, Paige, you
dont have to open it. Just seeing the
name doesnt mean you have to meet them. Tear
it up
just forget about it. He
tried to calm her down. Its not
selfish for you to not want to see them
trust me, the recipients dont expect a
response.
"Where did you have your surgery?" She
asked suddenly.
"What?"
"Where?" She asked again.
"In uh, in Tucson." Lance
said softly.
Paige's hand covered her mouth as she choked on her next question, "When?"
Lance was silent for a second, "Paige?"
Tell me. She insisted.
August 14, 2000. Lance
frowned.
No. Paige whispered. No, no, no, no, no. She dropped the phone and used both hands to cover
her mouth as sobs wracked her body.
Paige? Paige!? Lance heard her phone slam against something hard,
then the sound of her crying in the background.
No, no no. He heard her
repeat softly, and then he knew.
He had submitted a green envelope weeks before, and she had received one
Paige! He shouted into the phone
as his security guard placed a hand on Lances shoulder. Fuck.
Lance slammed his cup against the wall and watched as it shattered into a dozen
pieces. He fell to the floor amidst the
plastic pieces and ice then pressed his hands against his eyes as he tried to curl into
the tightest ball possible. A wave of nausea
swept over him and he prayed that he wouldn't throw up there in the hall.
Call the paramedics. He
heard a security guard say.
No. Lance insisted without
looking up. Im okay.
Youre not okay.
I am. Lance raised his head
and took a deep breath as he wiped his face quickly. Im
fine, but I need to go.
Were calling an ambulance. His
guard said again.
Dont. Lance growled. Im fine.
Tell Johnny I had to go. Lance
jumped up off the floor in one swift move and stomped down the hall, not caring that
Lonnie was only a step behind him. He held his
phone in front of him and scanned his electronic phone book till he found his travel
contact. "Ken, this is Lance. I need to be on the next flight out to
Flagstaff." He explained as he ignored
everyone around him.
"Flagstaff Arizona?"
"Yeah. Tonight."
"It's late." Ken frowned.
"I don't care. Find me a flight or
a bus or rent me a car, I don't care." Lance
tried to keep his hand and his voice from shaking as Lonnie walked quickly to keep up,
shouting orders to other guards as far as what to tell Johnny.
"Is everything okay?" Ken
asked.
"Yeah. I just need to get there as
soon as possible."
"Okay, let me put you on hold so I can check." Ken said before he clicked over and left Lance
listening to silence. Lance and Lonnie went
out to the vans where they climbed in and got situated.
"Where to?" Lonnie asked as
he put the keys in the ignition.
"The airport." Lance said as
he held the phone to his ear with one hand, and leaned forward on his other elbow to cover
his eyes with his hand. "Dammit." He whispered. He
could feel his heartrate quicken with anxiety and a dozen other emotions, and he prayed
that he could calm down so he wasn't put in danger.
"Lance?" Ken came back on the
line a minute later.
"Yeah?"
"I can get you in but it's gonna be tight.
You'd better be en route already."
"We are."
"Okay, your flight leaves Milwaukee at 7:45 tonight, so that gives you like,
shit
40 minutes to get there."
"No problem." Lance said. He turned to Lonnie and said, "Our flight leaves in 40 minutes."
"Okay." Lonnie accelerated
and whipped out his phone to call in for faster directions to the airport.
"That's fine. When do I get
there."
"You get into Phoenix at 9:20 but then the connecting flight leaves Phoenix at
9:55 so you're gonna have to hustle from one gate to the other. You get to Flagstaff at 10:40, the last flight
in."
"Okay."
"I got you a car too, I figured you'd need it so it'll be at the Budget
desk."
"Okay."
"I'll send the confirmation numbers to your cell and to Lonnie's too. He's going with you right?"
"Yeah."
"Good guess. Okay, you're
set." Ken said as he tapped the
confirmation numbers into his cell phone to send them to Lance and Lonnie.
"Thanks."
"No problem. Did you need return
flights?"
"Not yet." Lance said softly. "See ya."
He hung up the phone and took a couple deep breaths as they zipped down the freeway
to the airport.
"You okay?" Lonnie asked,
giving Lance a paternal look.
"Uh huh."
"You look like hell. I swear I'm
about two seconds from taking your ass to the hospital."
"I dont need a doctor." Lance
grumbled as his heart thundered in his ears.
"I swear man, if you keel over I'll kill you."
"I'm fine."
"I'm not joking."
Lance looked up and met Lonnie's eye; "I'm
fine."
"You know Johnny's gonna have kittens."
Lonnie said after a minute.
"I know." Lance nodded. "I'll call him when we get there."
"I'm calling him before we leave."
"I'm going anyway." Lance
looked up quickly.
"I know you're going. I ain't
gonna stop you from going. But I'm also not
gonna just take you away from your commitments without a word to your boss. To our
boss. Fuck that man, I'm at least gonna tell
him you're okay."
"Fine. But I'm going."
"I know. I'm going too." Lonnie nodded, then they drove the rest of the way
in silence.
When they arrived at the airport they ran through the security checkpoint and went
right to the gate. They flashed their ID and
were given boarding passes once their e-tickets were confirmed. Most of the passengers had already boarded, so they
only waited a few minutes before they were allowed to board the plane and take their seats
in first class. Lance sat by the window and
sunk as low as he could into the seat as he stared out the window into the dark sky. Pretty soon the stars would come out and he'd be
able to lose himself in them as they flew cross country.
"You wanna talk about it?" Lonnie
asked after more than an hour in the air.
"Nope." Lance mumbled softly.
"What?"
"No, I don't want to talk about it."
Lance said clearly as he turned to Lonnie. "It's
nothing personal man, you know that. Its
just
there's stuff I've got to work out."
"That's cool." Lonnie nodded. "You swear it's not your heart?"
Lance stared at him for a second and frowned in thought. "No, it's not my heart. Not how you mean it anyway." Lance shook his head, then turned back to the
window. The stars were bright against the dark
sky, but he closed the shade and leaned against it to doze a little. His stomach was in knots and he figured if he slept
for part of the flight it would go faster. And
all he wanted was to be there already.
They landed in Phoenix and changed planes to continue on to Flagstaff. By the time they landed at their final destination,
it was almost eleven at night and Lance was exhausted.
"Do you want me to drive you?" Lonnie
asked, though he already knew the answer.
"No." Lance shook his head
slowly. "Can you go check us into the
hotel though?"
"Sure, where are we staying?"
Lance glanced over at the hotel brochures to try to remember the hotel he stayed at
last time. "This one." He picked up the little advertisement. "The Hilton." He knew how to get there from Paige's house, and
the last thing he wanted to do was get lost.
"Do we have reservations?"
"No." He shook his head
again. "Just go there and get two rooms. Call my cell if there's a problem." Lance took the paperwork from the guy at the Budget
counter and waited as Lonnie got a car of his own. "I'll
call you when I get in tonight, okay?"
"You're sure you're okay?"
"Yeah. Yeah I'm fine." Lance said for what felt like the millionth time
that night. "I'll call you."
"Be careful." Lonnie
hesitantly watched as Lance stepped out to the curb where a guy was going to bring the
cars around.
"I will." Lance nodded, then
waved half heartedly over his shoulder as he looked up at the sky. It was too dark to really see the clouds, but he
could smell the rain coming in the warmness of the night air. He sighed softly as his car pulled to a stop in
front of him. The Budget guy jumped out and
held the door open for Lance. He dropped his
cell phone onto the passenger seat, then slammed the driver's side door and headed for the
freeway. Without a doubt he knew he could get
to Paige's house without directions, but he couldn't shake the fear in his chest as the
rain began to drizzle down onto his windshield.
"Dammit." He muttered under
his breath as he turned the wipers on and leaned forward to see the lanes ahead of him. Lance made it to Paige's house in less than twenty
minutes and parked at the curb. He stared at
the dark house for a few minutes and wondered if she was even there. As he watched the light on the side of the house
flipped on, then back off again as the side door opened then shut. She was home.
Lance jumped out of the car with the keys in his hand and ran quickly to the front
step. He knocked on the door three times, then
waited to hear any sound from inside. He was
met with an eerie stillness as he knocked again. Paige? Paige please answer the door. Lance knocked on the door one more time. Please? Come
on, we need to talk. His hand shook as
he raised his finger to the doorbell button again, hoping maybe she was just in the back
and somehow hadnt heard the incessant knocking.
The uncharacteristic summer rain fell across his shoulders as he hunched over and
glared at the sky. Yeah, rain is just
what I need right now, thanks. He
mumbled under his breath as he knocked again. Paige,
please let me in. Im sorry. I didnt know
God you have to believe me
when I say I didnt know. I had no
idea. Lance reached up and brushed his
damp hair off his forehead as lightning flashed ten miles away. Please? Come
on, please let me in." He leaned against
the door to get out of the rains way.
The door flew open unexpectedly and Lance stumbled across the threshold. "Get out or I will call the police." Paige said as Lance dripped water on the tile
entryway. "Leave."
"Paige wait
listen to me."
"I don't want to see you right now. I
want you to leave."
"We need to talk."
"No." She shut her eyes
tightly and held the door open as thunder rocked the sky.
"Leave." Her voice wavered as
she clung to what little strength she had left to keep herself from sobbing.
"I'm not leaving until you hear what I have to say." Lance stepped onto the throw rug so the water from
his clothes wouldn't drip on her tiles. "I'm
sorry."
"I don't want to hear it, Lance please just go." She began to cry as she covered her eyes.
"I didn't know
I didn't know Paige.
You have to believe me. I would never
do anything to hurt you, I could never mess with your head like this."
"How could you not know?!"
"No one knows Paige, no one. We never discussed surgery dates or anything like
that. I had no idea Travis died in Tucson. Just like you didn't know I'd had my surgery there,
no one knew."
"You knew!" She insisted as
she slammed the door shut hard. Photos on the
wall shook with the force of the door slamming and Lance's attention was momentarily
averted to the rocking frames. Travis smiled
back at him from one of the pictures and wobbled from side to side before it came to rest
at a crooked angle. "God dammit
Lance."
"I swear I didn't know Paige." He
reached for her hand but she jerked away from him. "I
it seriously never even occurred to me that it might be
"
"I hate you." She kept her
eyes on the floor as her entire body began to shake.
"Don't
Paige please
" Lance
took a step toward her only to have her step back. He
kept moving closer until she was cornered between the door and the wall, "Don't hate me Paige." He said softly as the tears resting in the corners
of his eyes overflowed. "I can't change
anything now
you know I would if I could."
"I hate you, I hate you, I hate you."
She whispered as he enveloped her in his arms and her tears turned to sobs.
"Paige I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
He stroked her hair softly as he held her close.
Thunder crashed outside the front door and startled both of them with the noise. "Where's Hope?" He asked out of habit when he realized she wasn't
crying after the thunder.
"She's at Jim's." Paige
sniffed against his chest then suddenly jerked away as Lance's heart beat in her ear. "Lance
" Her face crumbled as she raised her arms to cover
her eyes while she forced her way past him into the living room. "H-how, how, how can
this be? This is so messed up Lance, this is
not right. What is wrong with me?" She fell onto the couch as she kept her face
covered. "I can't do this."
Lance stood by the door for a second, afraid to move as the puddle grew around his
feet. He carefully shed his flannel shirt then
dropped it in a heap on the floor by the door. His
t-shirt was damp and stuck to him as he bent to untie his soaked shoes.
"Please go." She sobbed into
her hands.
"No." Lance said stubbornly. "No."
He repeated as he added his shoes to the pile, then crossed the living room to the
couch where she was sitting in the dark. "Paige
this doesn't change anything."
"This changes everything." She practically screamed as she hastily ran her
hands through her hair. "You have
that's
he
" She tried to start
several times but nothing came out. "I
loved him Lance, he was my
he was everything. He was the reason I got up in the morning and the
reason I smiled all day. Nothing
nothing could ever compare to that and it was all
taken away from me. He was taken away before
our lives even really started." She held
her hand to her mouth to stifle her continuous sobs.
"Paige I - " Lance stopped and took a deep breath, he had
nothing to lose.
"Stop." She whimpered as she
pulled her knees to her chest.
"No Paige, look at me." He
reached out and tilted her chin up to look him in the eye.
"Please look at me." He
pleaded with her as his eyes searched her face.
"Don't do this
please." She
met his eye and saw that he was crying too.
"I love you Paige. I couldn't
explain it at first, everything just felt
comfortable
right. Fate
stepped into this and made it so we'd be connected forever.
I know you loved Travis
you still do, and that's fine. But Paige he's not here. His body is gone but because of him I am here, and
I can't explain this. I wish there was a
simple answer but there's not." He licked
his suddenly dry lips and kept his eyes on hers. "Travis
is living on through me
including his love for you.
It's meant to be Paige, and I can't turn that away."
Paige let out a shaky breath as her face puckered and she lowered her eyes to his
chest. "I'm sorry." She whispered so softly that he wasn't sure if she
had actually said anything.
"I have to believe that we are all put on this earth for a reason, and maybe
Travis' reason was to bring us together. To
fulfil both of our lives in so many ways. He
made you happy while he was here; he gave you a beautiful and enchanting little angel that
will remind you of him every day. But Paige,
he also gave me to you
and you to me. Imagine how happy he made you, he has made me just
as happy, if not more." Lance paused for
a second, "But every time I see how much
it hurts you that he's gone, it hurts me just as much.
All I want is for you to be happy Paige
that's all I'll ever want."
"You want me to be happy? Then
leave." She tried to sound as angry as
before, but the emotion was lost. She stood up
from the couch and crossed her arms over her chest as her bottom lip quivered, threatening
to release even more sobs. "Lance
please." She whispered. "Please just go."
"I can't." He whispered as he
stood up and placed his hands on her shoulders. "Don't
push me away Paige, I'm begging you. I love
you."
Paige squeezed her eyes shut and brought her hands up to cover them again as he
wrapped his arms around her in another tight hug. She
shuddered in his arms and fought the urge to shove him as hard as she could, "I need you to go Lance. I can't do this right now."
"I can't just walk away."
"I need you to."
Lance held her for another moment as she stood rigid against his chest; "I'm coming back."
"Don't." She looked up to
meet his eyes as his heart seemed to break. "Not
right now Lance, I can't do this right now. I
need to think. I need you to go away and let
me think."
Lance took a deep breath as he looked back at the front door listening to the rain
fall outside, "How long?"
"I don't know."
"Days?"
"I don't know."
"Weeks?"
"Lance, I don't know."
"Months?" He had to ask.
She wiped her eyes and shook her head, "I
don't know. Just not tonight. I can't even think straight right now."
Lance nodded and hung his head as he went back to the entryway. He slid his feet into his soggy shoes and draped
his flannel shirt over his arm as he dug in his pocket for his rental car keys. Without thinking she followed him to the door and
held it open for him as the thunder boomed through the darkness.
The thin key ring hung from his finger as the keys swung from side to side. He stared at the two keys for a second then looked
up at Paige standing just inside the door with red rimmed eyes. A tightness spread across his chest and his stomach
dropped to his knees, there was never a time when he felt as hopeless and scared to lose
someone in his whole life.
Before he could stop himself he licked his lips then pressed them against hers. She didn't respond, or move
or kiss him back. She stood perfectly still as she held her breath,
not daring to breathe.
Lance opened his eyes and stepped back as he looked at his shoes. He bit his lower lip, then opened the door and
stepped out into the rain
the only thing he could
do.
Copyright © 2002, Amy Lynn