I Drive Myself Crazy. By Jenny.

 

One whole day and one whole night was all he wanted. Just one. Was that too much to ask? Obviously in this job yes. He wanted to be left alone. He wanted protection from everything around him. “ Shit. 3:15 am. Gotta get up soon.” He looked at the hotel bedside table and at the clock. And like the zombie he was he fell asleep with all his thoughts of craziness of the world whirling around his head, as they did every night, as soon as his head touched the pillow. Later that morning whilst forcing his eyes to stay open he tried to concentrate on the world, which seemed to spin faster every day, around him.

 “ Scoop you awake over there?” a loud pestering voice came from the other side of the room. As if it were programmed into him he plastered a big fake smile on his face and forced his sleep heavy eyes open some more.

“ Yep. Who we waitin’ for?” Lance answered. He didn’t know to whom he answered to, he just answered. “ Why does every one have a sudden interest in me?” he thought to himself. He listened to the weeks schedule and tried to cram everything into his brain as the week’s activities began to pile up upon him and the other guys. Then the haunting thoughts he had last night came back to his him. He had a this feeling he didn’t know what it was and had spent many weeks trying to work out what he was feeling. He was scared of something. He knew basically what he was feeling he just didn’t know why. All of a sudden the ever whirling haunting thoughts, lack of sleep, lack of food, no energy, the information that had to kept being forced into his head, lack of food, the closing in walls that seemed to suddenly start coming towards him and the deep confusing feeling he had inside him caught up with him. As he stood up his brain had other thoughts. “ Must rest. Now. Can’t must remember all info…” His body collapsed into a pile of worthlessness on the floor the second he tried to walk. Blackness. And rest. Finally.

 

“Where…where am I?” A weak voice came from the hospital bed. Justin and Joey were the only ones there. The others were talking to Lance’s parents and some hospital people. “ They don’t look like doctors. Shit.” Lance tried to focus his dizzy eyes outside his room’s window.

“ Oh man you scared the hell outta us. Lance don’t panic or move but you’re in hospital. You collapsed two days ago. JC, your mum, dad, Stacy and Chris are out there talking to a er specialist. How are you feeling?” Justin answered with a look of concern and relief on his face.

“ Like I was dragged through hell and back. Why is there a specialist? Can you please get my mum? But first tell me why there’s a specialist.” Lance answered weakly.

“ I’m leaving that up to your mum and Dr. Green the guy looking after you. Be back in a minute.” Joey left the room and talked for a few seconds to the group outside his room. Lance watched Joey talking to his mum nodding in agreement the Joey talking some more.

“ What happened actually two days ago? I don’t remember.” Lance asked breaking the silence.

“ Well Melinda had just finished going through the weeks schedule, you tried to walk then collapsed. We rushed you to hospital when we couldn’t wake you. The media are all over the story naturally and there’s a whole bunch of fan’s waiting outside for you. What do you remember from that day?”

“ Just needing sleep and having no energy. But I knew I couldn’t have it coz I was trying to pay attention.” It wasn’t a lie and it wasn’t the full truth. He did need some sleep but he couldn’t tell anyone about his thoughts of craziness and how he felt the walls were closing in on him. Then something clicked. Everyone wanted something from him. Everyone. No one could leave him alone. Everyone was constantly picking away at him, constantly getting something for themselves, picking away at his soul. And he just gave it to him and let them pick. His mum walked into the room with tear stained cheeks and watery red eyes. She smiled when she saw him and ran over to the bed scooping up her baby into her arms and hugging him tightly and never wanting to let go.

“ Oh my baby! Let me look at you, Are you ok?” his mum asked him with her eyes refilling with tears. She cupped her hands around his delicate pale face.

“ Er hi to you to mum. I’ll be ok. I’ll live. Why is there a specialist here?” He raised his eyebrow weakly and looked at his mum then to the specialist. His mum took a deep breath and started to explain.

“ James Dr. Green has diagnosed you with depression.” Tears flowed freely from her eyes. JC walked over to her and put his arm around her. Lance looked around the room. “ Depression huh?” he thought. “ This is what all these feelings and thoughts have come down to?” He looked to his mum’s other hand to see his dad with big red veined emerald green eyes. He looked worried as well. As his eyes traced the path of his loved ones, his mum, his dad, his brothers, his sister, all had the same look of worry upon their faces.

“ Lance say something. Please.” Chris broke the deafening silence.

“ I don’t know what to say. Why do you think I’m depressed?”

“ Oh com’on Lance. You never speak to us anymore, when we come back from a show or something you go straight to your room. We can never tell what you’re thinking or feeling anymore. You aren’t the Lance we used to know. You don’t go out, you don’t chat up girls, you don’t put as much energy as you used to when you perform. You spend all your time on your own. FreeLance hasn’t heard from you other then in the form of a phone call. You’re just not you. Dr. Green also pointed out the scars on your arms that you managed to hide from us.” Justin answered with tears filling his eyes. The others nodded slowly in agreement and his mum had a new set of tears on her cheeks.  Justin sounded anger at him, at the whole situation but he only had the best interests at heart.

“ Ok so I have been spending a bit more time on my own. Nothing major. Why can’t I just not be Lance from *Nsync and not be Lance the normal guy for a little while? It’s not as if I’m thinking of ending it all.” Lance snapped. “ Why am I being like this? Its’ not me. Why can’t I tell them what I feel? Why can’t I tell them how everyone wants a piece of my soul and all of the haunting confusing thoughts and my closing in world? Why because no one will understand. That’s why.” Lance though. “ I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap. I know how I’m acting. I’m sorry. I just can’t cope.” He said out loud trying to calm his mother.

“ Can’t cope? What does he mean?” Chris thought to himself.

“ How long will I remain in here? And what treatment am I going to getting for this depression thing?” Lance asked.

Dr. Green came forward to answer his questions. Lance hadn’t noticed him much before. He was young, very young. Brown eyes with small bags under them. He stood about 6’ tall and had spiked blond hair. There was a friendly aura around him and if you looked deep into his eyes you could see the wise ness and the wisdom he had that was way beyond him for a man of his age. His voice was soothingly calm to all.

“ Well we are going to see how you feel in a few days. We’ll release you but your manager has been advised to give you at least two weeks off. As for medication we’re going to give you anti-depressant tablets for three weeks. Then if you need any more we’ll work from there. And your going to have to come back here for a check up once for every one of those three weeks so we can see how your doing. After that we’ll see how it goes.” All Lance could do was nod.

 

He was released a week later, and found out that Johnny had given them all 3 weeks off. All went their separate ways but each day Lance would get a phone call from each one of the guys checking p on him. Lance found he did start to get happier but the thoughts of craziness were still in his brain. When they all met up for the first time in three weeks everyone said how proud they were of him and how well he was recovering. They were in the recording studio preparing for the next album and the tour. Things were getting back to normal but an unspoken rule still remained. Never ask how Lance was really feeling, for as much they all wanted Lance to have a full recovery, in their hearts was fear they didn’t want to know how Lance was truly feeling or didn’t want to ask if he had stopped cutting himself.

“ Oh shut up old man before I come over there and pound your ass down. And you won’t have time to realise what hit you coz I’ve heard you’re reactions slow down a hell of a lot when your OLD!” Justin said giving Chris an evil glare with a hint of playfulness in his eyes. Chris had just commented on Justin’s new shaven haircut. The comment was something like: Ohhhhhhh Brillo Pad boy has gotten er deflated! Ha! Man what do you look like!?!” and burst out laughing.

“ How you feelin man?” JC asked that morning. Everyone stopped and listened for Lance’s response.

“ I’m good.”

“ Nah man how are you really feeling deep down?” Every ones mouth dropped open slightly. No one had asked him this before and JC had just broken the unspoken rule.

“ Tell them how you really feel see if they understand. Go on!” his brain laughed at him. “ I feel much happier. Something has been reborn in me. You know? I’m getting back to my old self. The doc says I’m doing good.” Lance smiled brightly. Again a plastered smile. Some of it was true. He did feel happier. But something had been reborn in him: his crazy thoughts were coming back as things started to get back to normal. The work started to pile up again upon him and the boys. No one knew he had chucked the pills away a long time ago.

“ Good man. I’m really happy. Now com’on we gotta start working on this album.” JC smiled sown at him. A true smile. Lance couldn’t remember what they were like. Later that night when everyone had gone to sleep Lance cried. He cried for everything that was happening to him, for everything that had ever gone wrong in his life, he cried because no one would understand. He cried because he couldn’t take much more and he knew this. He cried because of his haunting thoughts and the forever haunting voices and faces that randomly appeared telling him how proud they were of him. “ Why can’t I say anything to anyone? Why can’t I tell anyone? WHY? Why can’t anyone see that is all an act? Why can’t everyone leave me alone? What more do they want off of me? They already have my soul. What else do they want from me?” He violently shook as he slowly cried himself to sleep and the unanswered questions slowly died out for a few hours. This went on for a week and a half more. Every day during the hours when he was in the public eye and with the rest of the guys h was the happy go boy everyone had grown to know and love. He had everything he wanted and had a bright future ahead of him with everything to live for. Nothing could possibly be wrong for he did not show it. At night away from the cruel hating world Lance would hug his knees in tightly and rock himself back and forth. In the dark. Alone. Every night. Thinking of the ever closing in walls and the faces that surrounded him begging him and pleading with him to give up more of his soul. They all wanted so much off of him and he couldn’t do it anymore. Everything was fine to them. “ Lance…..Lance” they kept repeating to him. Thinking of questions he knew he couldn’t have the answers to. Finally after a week and a half he couldn’t take it anymore.

“ Mornin’ guys” Chris walked in yawning.

“ Mornin’ Gramps.” Joey said. Justin looked up from his bowl of cereal, grunted something and then returned to his bowl.

“ Yeah hi. Er where’s Lance? He’s usually up by now.” JC questioned. Each man looked at each other then Chris went and checked his room.

“ He’s not there.” Chris said simply.

“ Lance where are you man?” Joey shouted around the house. No answer. Justin, who had finished his bowl of cereal, said, “ he’s probably just gone for a quick walk or something. He’ll show up he knows we have a meet and greet later today and rehearsals.”

The morning went by slowly and half hour before the meet and greet Lance still hadn’t shown up. The afternoon came and went. No one could get a hold of him because his phone was switched off. The next morning a search party was put out for him. No one had heard from him and all his possessions were still in his room. Days passed when one afternoon Chris spoke up suddenly whilst they were all sitting round the table thinking about what had happened and why. Chris gasped when he realised what he had just remembered and saw the connection immediately.

“ Oh my God. Why didn’t I see it before?” Chris said in a voice just above a whisper.

“ What? Did Lance say to you were he was going?” Justin asked quickly.

“ No of course not. You think I’d forget something like that? You think I’m that stupid?” Chris shouted.

“ K guys we all need to calm it down NOW.” Joey said sternly. “ Now what did you remember Chris?”

“ Remember when Lance was in hospital?” Silent nods went around from the table. “ Remember when he snapped at you Justin? Do you know what he said after that?” Blank faces that could be read like books all looked at Chris. Everyone remembered what he had said. No one wanted to though. “ He said he just couldn’t cope. He was depressed yes but I don’t think that was the only thing that was wrong. I think he drove himself crazy.” Everyone knew he was right. No one could say or do anything apart from cry. Lance wasn’t coming back. Ever.

                                

                                                      The End.

This is all copyright so please don’t’ take it from me. Lol. I don’t know any of *Nsync and have never meet them coz they aren’t ever in England! Any comments? Contact me on: green_day46@hotmail.com Luv Jenny:)

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