~*If you were me...Could you Imagine?*~
All right. I was sent on a mission to write what I've been through, in truthful words. You want to know? Then here you go.
If you dont know who I am, I feel sorry for you because truthfully, who doesnt? I started this whole music thing for MY benefits...Not for others.
When I started I was 14 and I had NO idea what I was about to wonder into. At first I was a happy and smart kid ready for some money to buy video games and stuff. Well, I guess now I know that I got more than I bargained for. Now I'm even more lost than I was. Im lost in the media, the words, and the reactions from my fans. Im lost in the world of the music industry, and I must be honest with you....It sucks.
At first I LOVED the feeling of pure attention and how my talent was recognized for many people to enjoy. I loved the fact that me, myself, could touch people with my music. But, like everything else in life, there was always a downer to the experience. Mine came too soon.
Star search and The Mickey mouse club was probably the first thing that my parents got me into. I loved the fact that I was a good kid and that they loved me....But it was alot on me.
If you know me (No doubt in my mind that you dont) you'd say I was a big momma's boy, truth being, Im not. I always hated my parents. They split and added me to the list of a child with divorced parents. Not only for that fact, but for the fact that they wanted me in the spotlight.
They loved me of course, no doubt in my mind that they didnt, but it was alot of pressure for a kid my age. I hated it...Maybe it was that, that I hated...Not my parents.
I started to try harder and try as best as I could to make them proud, but I dont think it was good enough for them at that time. They were too busy fighting over material items, ignoring the fact they had a son.
But enough of the angst in this message of love (Im rolling my eyes right now) Im here to tell my story on me...I cant write a book on my parents problems. Trust me, it'd take awhile.
Then a few years passed and there I was...Nsync cutie "Justin Randall Timberlake." No longer the person I wanted to be...The person everyone else wanted to see.
What can I say though? Im a poster boy for sex and my music doesnt mean anything anyways....Why try? I tried to convince myself otherwise, but when you come upon such an opportunity and take in the overwhelming success you seem to forget about it.
O.K., lets show an example of why I feel so angry in this......No offense when I say this because, all in all, you've guys have made me what I am, but this is like the major point of this all; Fans and Media.
Can you imagine being accused every week of being with a girl you've known on a show? No, Im not saying Im not with her, but Im saying I've rather not be anymore. I'll be honest, I LOVE music...Its my life, but when something as crazy as the press gets into my life and digs for answers that arent even there, it gets on my nerves.
Im not going to sit here and write this about Britney because she's just the BRINK of what Im talking about right now. My musical talent was a gift from god that I hold dearly to me because thats what I am.
But, to some of the stupid people out there, its not what I am at all anymore. Im a pretty boy for girls to look and lust over; Something I dont, and never wanted to be. Regardless of what I want and dont want there's nothing I can change now....At least I hope so because, all in all, what can I do?
You'd never believe the nights that I cried in the little tiny bed I slept in most of the time while on a rocking bus. My success has gotten to me. Not in an arrogant way, but in a harsh way. I wish I could just go back to being the little kid I use to be and bring back the years of my youth that I never got to live like a normal kid, but, like anyone else, I cant change the past nor the present.
I used to ignore how people asked "WHY ARE YOU WITH BRITNEY!?," "WHATS THE BEST PART ABOUT BEING SUCCESSFUL!?!," and the millions of other questions that I've been asked over and over, but then again, how could I ignore them?
Taunted and criticized over the tiny things that leaked to the press or just made up over the Internet, I've became affected. Affected to the point of writing this.
At first they told me to tell the rumors, stories, and dirt on us but I thought to myself and decided that this would be the best way to say it to you all. I have only one word for this feeling right inside my heart; hurt.
I wish it would feel different or at least budge, but, once again, It wont.
I've wished alot of things over my life time and I think only one has come true.
If you want to know what that is, I'll tell you; the fact that Im not afraid to tell anyone anymore. Im just going to tell you EVERYTHING.
It might cause you all to hate me, but I dont care anymore. These are the things I wished I could of told someone sooner, the things I almost died over keeping in this long.
First things first, Im NOT rich because I send half of what I dont HAVE to use to my foundation for all the kids out there in music. Second of all, I dont know where ARROGANCE came up, but thats not true either. Just because I say I like babyblue doesnt mean I want you to send me babyblue things in the mail.
Anyways, those are small things I had to write down. This is my ranting and bitching going on, but if you were in my place you'd hate it too. But lets get on with it.
Its funny how time goes so slowly, isnt it? I used to sit on the bus doing my homework, just staring at the clock on the wall so I could go out and shoot some hoops somewhere (Regardless of where)..To feel like I used to when I was a kid.
Now Im the age of 20 and I still feel like a confused kid out in this harsh world of music. Now I know what this place called the "pop" business wants; money.
Never in my life have I seen such greed, wait, I'll strike that, I have. But thats not as bad as this place. Im suppose to dress up, smile, sing, dance, sign autographs, make appearances, and ignore anyone elses benefits inless it is something to do with me.
Something recent has made me think of these things too. Joey's pneumonia, Johnny's bitching, Britney, and how it seems like no matter how far I go out of state Im found.
I remember back in Germany when me and the guys were just signing our contract. Me, Chris, Lance, Joey, and Jc discussed the meaning of this. Many sacrifices, many moral's lost, and many freedoms restricted.
I remember our nervous faces as we walked upon the steps of RCA headquarters...We all knew the sacrifices of fame, then, and we were scared.
No longer would we be kids, we would be business props and used for money and heart throbs for girls across the country. But, not one time did I hear the actual word "Musician."
After I signed the record deal I had a bit of pressure relieved from me, but a week later it all came back. The day we became the real deal, the pop stars, the heart throbs, NSYNC.
I was pretty cool with it until the breaking point came. The point at which I felt like I was in a small corner and everyone was coming in around me. The feeling at which I was absolutely terrified of failure.
Not once did I take a step in and do a dance move without worrying, and still do. Its like if I mess up the world would hate me.
The feeling when I feel as though my voice is going to crack during a note and everyone shouts and boo's at us. It happened before and it is bound to happen again but only now it will be held more against me than ever.
Pretty weird, huh? Just the fact that someone who feels absolutely great infront of you and then goes back and worries over and over about whether everything was fine. Call me a perfectionist if you will, it doesnt matter with me, thats what I am and I will remain that as long as this group is flowing.
Even the most happiest person can hide their REAL emotions through a smile. Believe me, I've done it.
I could tell you just as any other, that Im not the only one. Its weird...One hour I'd be smiling, then the next I would be crying.
I remember telling Johnny recently that if I was not allowed one day of normalcy I would go mad....Guess what this is? Its my normalcy.
Pretty sad, huh? I should be at McDonalds eatin' a big mac or shooting hoops, but Im not because, once again, I feel this extreme amount of failure.
Anyways, I just flipped through 6 channels and I've heard one of my best friends has died....God bless her.
Besides all of this I must go grief once more, not only for myself but for everyone else. Did anyone ever stop to think that maybe Aaliyah dying was a blessing? I bet you anything she'd be pressured just like me if she was still alive.
God knows I want her back. If I could interview anyone in the past who would it be? Who comes up with these questions? I'd probably talk to Aaliyah once more and tell her more than just "how are you doing".
It sucks because it reminds me of what could happen to me....Will that be me in another week? Will I fly to freedom or crash to the end?
I hope its freedom, because thats what it is. Soaring above the hate of the world with nothing more than the wings of the plane cutting through the clouds like a knife cutting through butter.
But then again, Im beginning to think that crashing will be the only freedom I will have in this harsh life. In the end we all must face the truth, we will be judged and we will be conquered, but who will be able to take that blow?
Want some personal advice? Soar for yourself not for anyone else. Dont live to other peoples expectations. You'll turn out like me.
If you were me.....Could you imagine?
Send feedback here: Jessica S.