October 23rd, 2000

He sighed. His head throbbed badly. He flopped down on the brown couch, ripped, and stained, as it was he didn't care. "You OK baby?" A young girl asked him, sitting on his lap, and running her fingers through his disheveled hair. "I got a headache, and I'm tired" he mumbled. "Take this babe" she said handing him an unknown white pill. He shoved it in his mouth, and gulped it down with a mouthful of beer. It could've been advil, or it could've been rat poison. He didn't care, as long as he got to get away; away from life. He yawned, and laid back on the girl and the couch, slipping into a drug-induced sleep. And as much as he didn't want them to, the memories of the recent past came scurrying through his head.


_______________The Memories Dreamed beginning_____________________


"Justin! You cut your hair! Oh my gosh! You got permission to do that?"


"I have to have permission to cut my hair?"


"This is gonna ruin everything!"


May 11th, 2000 (6 months prior)


This is exactly what pisses me off! I have to get permission to cut my hair! What kinda crap is that?! I swear! I'm a singer, not a freakin' model! Chris is really pissing me off lately. He's so childish! So I start cussing him out, right? I get mad just like everyone else, and JC tells me to 'quiet down' and 'watch my mouth.' Forget that crap! JC is such a goody goody. It pisses me off. I didn't ask to be a freakin' role model for little kids, and crap, when will those little girls leave me alone? Maybe if I get a scar on my face they won't like me anymore or something. That sounds weird huh? A guy not wanting girls to like him. I'm not gay or anything that's for sure. Britney is about the only person who hasn't been driving me up the wall lately. But, she's been overseas, so she hasn't has much of a chance. Crap! Lance is yelling right now. "Justin! Hurry! We have a meeting!" Screw him, screw his meetings. I gotta go now. I don't know where I'll be next time I write. Physically or mentally. I'm sure you'll miss me. Everyone else does. I wish they wouldn't. I wish I could be forgotten the next time I leave.




"Let's put Justin in the front"


"Now Joey move to the side"


"No, Lance move, you're blocking Justin"


"Of course we wouldn't want to block Justin"


May 28th, 2000

Dear Journal,

Justin is being a pain in the ass. I don't know what in the heck is wrong with him, but it's really making me mad. He's lashing out at everyone for no good reason. He went postal on Chris yesterday, just because Chris was being his usual weird self and playing a joke. Justin stayed in his room all day today. It's kinda nice having him out of my hair for a day. I swear! But of course he had to come out when we were doing the photo shoot. And of course he had to be in the front, not that I care, it just pisses me off that he has such an attitude about him. He's getting weirder everyday. He's definitely not the old Justin. He'll probably get better though. It's probably just stress or something. We're all feeling it lately, but, ya know Justin is younger, so maybe it's affecting him more or somthin', I don't know, but I'm gonna try to help, so, yeah.






June 22nd, 2000


Gee I don't know why I'm still writing to you, but I can't get you/them/it/her out of my head. I heard this song on the radio today, right? It perfectly described how I feel, part of the lyrics go like this.


Gotta find a way

Yeah I can't wait another day

And nothin' gonna change

If we stay around here

Gotta do what it takes

Cause all in our hands

We all make mistakes, yeah

But it's never to late to start again

Take another breath

And say another prayer


Then fly away from here


Yeah I don't care

We'll just fly away from here

Our hopes and dreams are out there somewhere

Won't let time pass us by

We'll just fly


Doesn't that sound perfect Clarkston? Just fly away? Kinda scary too, but I don't really care.

Lance is trying to act like a damn therapist lately. I know he's probably trying to "help" or whatever, but I just want to be left alone. JC almost caught me drunk today. I wouldn't let him in, but I heard him telling Joey "It's sounds like he's in a good mood". Good mood my ass. What is there to be in a good mood about. I'm gonna go to sleep now, sleep is good.





June 25th, 2000


Justin is being a pain in the ass. He never comes out of his room anymore, and he doesn't talk to us. All he does is write in that damn notebook of his. The other day, I started to get excited because he was sounding happy when he talked and stuff. He even came out of his room. But, I took one step near him, and could tell he was drunk, really drunk. What an idiot! He's not even old enough to drink. He's such a damn baby he's driving me insane. I think he's trying to get attention or something, who knows, but I hope he'll snap out of it soon. I miss talking with him, and writing with him and stuff, I really do.




July 5th, 2000


Yesterday was the 4th of July. I lit my hair on fire. It hurt so good, yes I said good. Almost had to go to the hospital. I told them it was and accident. They believed me. Maybe the girls won't like me anymore. Maybe I'll be left alone. Nope.


I'm getting closer to you. I think I'm gonna stay this time. I don't care if they don't want me to, I don't care. I need to be there. They say I should get help, they say "Justin, you need to change." But I don't want to change, I wanna be like I am now. I don't want people to like me. I'm coming Clarkston, soon I'm coming.





July 11th, 2000






He walked slowly, ever so slowly out of his room, checking to make sure he hadn't left anything behind. He winced as he adjusted the heavy backpack on his shoulders. The dark blue sweatshirt jacket that he wore provided him with comfort, even though it was nearly 100 out side. Pulling the hood of the sweatshirt over his head, he stepped into the burning sunlight. He stuck his thumb out and waited for a ride, and remembered the first time he'd seen Clarkston (on March 2nd 2000).




Chris: "Justin, why did I let you drag me down here."


Joey: "Yeah, this is the inner city, man, we could get shot or somthin'"


Justin: "I just wanna visit my friend Candie, she said she lived here, ahh here it is 1212 Clarkston."


Joey: "That piece of crap, I wouldn't even consider it a house, man.


Joey and Chris had dropped him off, and he had gone into Candie's house. There were people lying all over the house, and it reeked of smoke. "Candie?" he asked, seeing a blonde haired girl. "Justin!" she jumped on top of him, nearly knocking him over. He looked around, hoping she hadn't caused a scene, but nothing happened, nobody looked, nobody cared, and he liked it. On that one week stay with Candie, she showed him a whole new world that he hadn't experienced before. He could do whatever he wanted and no one would care. He could get drunk at 3 in the morning, and no one cared. Candie gave him his first taste of drugs also, though he didn't much care for the after affects, he had to admit he felt good.


~~end flash back~~


An old red pickup stopped beside him. "Hey kid! Where ya headed?" the driver, "The city, Clarkston street" Justin told him. "Hop in" the man told him. Justin did. When just walked into Candie's house, everyone welcome him with open arms, as if he had never been gone. They didn't care he had cut his hair off, they didn't care he wasn't "cute" anymore, they didn't care, and neither did he.


___________________The Memories Dreamed end_______________________


Well I'm in the hospital. I guess I shouldn't of taken that damn pill Candie gave me. The hospital caught me with all those drugs in my system. They are gonna make me go through a treatment program. I was getting tired of being high all the time anyways. I have no identity anymore. I'm not a singer, I'm not a druggie, I'm just Justin.


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