You Don't Know
By: Eva MaClellan
Carla stared at the doctor who had given her the terrible
news. They had been expecting this for a long time now, the genetics for
the rare cancer had been in their family for years. With a heavy heart,
she turned and left the room.
This was the time she had been dreading. Telling her
husband. She was sitting down on the plush leather couch when he walked
in the room and took his place beside her. He swallowed hard and said,
"You had something you wanted to talk about?"
"Yea." She paused for a moment and said the words he had been
dreading all along. "Chris, I have the cancer." He knew it was common in
her family, but never thought she would get it because it was on her
aunts side of the family, her mother never had it. Why should she? He
found himself gasping for breath, the air leaving his lungs.
"But they can cure it, right? You'll be ok?" He asked almost
"There's nothing to be done."
His raw sobs filled the air as she placed his head in her lap,
stroking his thick black hair. They both slept on the couch that night,
wrapped in each other's arms.
*Who could know the emptiness inside
Every time I see your face
Too many feeling left behind
Do you wonder why
I turn away, when you look at me, never wanting your eyes to see, This
desperate heart that knows how perfect we could be*
Chris suffered through months of torture, watching his one and only
love die. She was his wife. She was his lifeline, and that was slowly
It eventually became that Carla could never be alone, and since Chris
was busy with his demanding job, this couldn't happen. So, as it was
expected, Carla was moved into a hospital. And that, alone was slowly
killing him. His lifeline was almost gone.
Tuesday, May 6th, 2000. The sinking ache in his stomach had
reached its peek and Chris knew this was the day his heart, and soul
would leave him. He walked into the small white room, and took a seat in
the small orange chair by her beside. His head was bowed, but if anyone
were to look closely, they would see droplets of liquid drip off his
chin, down to the linoleum below.
"How do I do it?" he asked, not expecting her to reply. "How do I
raise Alexis without out you? How do I do it right?"
His questions remained unanswered, and he knew there was no point
asking again. He rose on wobbly legs, his vision blurred with tears. As
he reached the doorway he turned around, to see her gorgeous face one
more time. He stepped into the long dark hallway, and as if on cue, a
heart-wrenching screech filled his ears. He blinked rapidly and pinched
the bridge of his nose as he took his two-year old daughter Alexis from
Carla's mother Marie. All four of his best friends rose in respect as he
passed then, and he nodded. He sighed as he packed up his Explorer, and
took the 20minute drive home.
After the baby was asleep, he took the time to look around the nicely
sized house, and so many memories filled his mind. Him looking into the
kitchen from the living room, seeing her cooking him breakfast nine
months pregnant. She was gorgeous. All the football games they watched
together we're now just a flicker in his mind.
All this became too painful, and he left for the bedroom. He went
and brushed his teeth in the bathroom off the bedroom. Gosh, even her
toothbrush was still there. As he stepped into the master bedroom, he
noticed an old jersey of his. Her favorite. He looked over at the bed
where Alexis was conceived, the covers in a mass at the edge.
God, why wouldn't it all go away?
The funeral was pure torture, and he almost didn't make it. He was
hurting. Hurting like he had never hurt before.
It had been seven months.
A whole seven months. And he was slowly killing himself. As he kneeled
by her grave, barely noticing the rain and mud he was sitting in, he
cried. This was the only time he allowed it. River, oceans of tears ran
down his cheeks. Seeping into the ground. Seeping into her soul.
*Baby cause you don't know, how I feel, living my life without you, baby
you don't know what its like, loving you all this time, I'd give you my
love, heart and soul, risking it all on a chance*
But, not even his love, heart and soul could bring her back. It was
Christmas time. The first Christmas in years he would
spend without her love. Early morning he was risen by Alexis. "Come on
daddy! Its Christmas!"
Her angelic, innocent voice rang out to him.
God, how he needed Carla.
* Now when I need you the most, you don't know*
He lye awake, not able to sleep. He ha had been having dreams. She
invaded his thoughts in day, dreams by night. He would always see her.
Her blue eyes, her dark hair, her rosy lips. She was the only thing he
*All I ever wanted in this world, baby I found in you, I never felt this
way, but I cant break through, now I lye awake, alone at night, so
afraid now to close my eyes, just one more dream of you I'll carry here
She slowly walked into the room that used to be her own, her
delicate feet making whispering sounds on the carpet. She had been
keeping an eye on him for quite some time now. But tonight was
different. It was the night she died. One year later. Alexis would be
three. His face was twisted in emotion, and there was a fine line of
sweat covering his brow. Her immediate instinct would be to wipe it
away, but she was sure he would feel it. She saw his eyes flicker, and
she disappeared again. It was then she heard the faint cry of an infant.
She watched him lift the comforter off his body. She waited a few
moments before following the faint whimpering sounds of her daughter
until she reached the open door. She was just in time to see him place
the child back in the crib she had picked out only two weeks before she
As he turned around, Carla made her entrance, and appeared out of the
darkness the shadows possessed.
"Carla." He said shaken.
*Baby cause you don't know how I feel, how I feel, living my life
without you, Baby cause you don't know what it's like loving you all
this time, I'd give you all my love heart and soul, risking it all on a
chance, now when I need you the most, you don't know*
She said nothing, just indicated for him to follow her. She led him past
the kitchen, out through the back door. They walked across the grass to
the edge of the pool, the porch lights reflecting off the water, hitting
everything around them.
"Chris, I was sent here to tell you to move on. You've stopped
eating. Your not you anymore. Your friends are worried. They-" He cut
"You saw my friends?"
"No. They pray. Especially Lance. There isn't a night go by where I
don't hear from him. You see Chris; there is a healthy way to mourn and
an unhealthy one. Yours is the later. Do you understand?"
He didn't answer, but took this time to examine her. Her dark hair
fell in waves, wrapping her shoulders in a delicate embrace. Her blue
eyes we're vibrant, and stood out, contrasting with her pale skin. The
simple, white tank dress she wore fit her like a glove. There was only
one word. Breathtaking. She was glowing. The soft yellow light followed
her around. Almost like Peter Pans shadow, only it stuck. He then began
to doubt her presence. He reached out to touch her and immediately was
wrapped in warmth. With a sigh he gathered her in his arms and held her.
If this was a dream, it was to life like for him.
*And I would hold you all through the night, I would stay right by your
side, and I'd give you the world, if you'd only stay, could it be I'm
only dreaming, don't let it pass me by*
"Make a wish." He told her as a shooting star zoomed across the
sky in a vibrant arrangement of colors. 'I wish you would be happy
Chris.' She thought to herself.
"I have to go soon." She said as she went into the house to see her
daughter. Minutes later she returned. He embraced her.
"You're leaving me again."
"I'll never leave you Chris." She placed her hand over his heart.
"I'll always be here." Were her last words as she faded away.
*Baby cause you don't know, what its like living my life without you,
baby you don't know what its like loving you all this time, I'd give you
all my love, heart and soul, risking it all on a chance, and now when I
need you the most, you don't know*
But she did know. And that's what made him go on each day. Sometimes
it was hard, Alexis looking like Carla more each day, her growing up
without a mother, but that one night saved him. He never saw Carla
again. Until Tuesday, May 6th, 2046. On that day, Christopher Alan
Kirkpatrick, 75, passed on. And as he and Carla watch their daughter
give birth to a girl, just like she, did they feel complete.
note: The lyrics underlined are changed for purpose of the story.
You Don't Know- 98*, Revolution, 2000
Send feedback here: Eva
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