Let That Be Enough:  Twenty-Two

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When his pants hit the floor JC took a breath and stared at her. He'd long passed the point of being embarrassed in front of women when he was in his underwear, but that night, watching the surprised look on her face he knew that he was in trouble.

He wouldn't tell many people about it, but he had a thing for innocense. When he and Bobbie had first gotten together they'd been each other's first real love, but not the first physical relationship either of them had. JC had always loved the innocent way that Bobbie would look at him or ask him to be with him and he saw a lot of that in Farzana. Maybe that was his reason for being with her, because of her innosense, but whatever it was, that night, Farzana was looking at him as if that was the first time she'd ever seen a man like that.

"You ok?" he asked casually and backed away a little leaning to kick out of his pants before he began to spread the blanket out for them.

"Yeah," she said and turned to walk around the other side of the matress. She sat down then moved the blanket and began to settle herself on the matress.

"Zana?" he questioned seeing the immediate way she had pulled away from him. He had scared her or something. He could see it with the way she became very stiff in her movements and the physical space she put between them. "If this isn't ok then I'll," he stopped and thought for a moment. If she stopped him that night from being there with him he thought he'd lose it all together. It had taken a lot of control this far to not step over that line very far, but he didn't think that he'd be able to stop now. "I don't know...I'll put my pants back on and go sleep on the couch."

"No," she said suddenly as if his comment about sleeping on the couch was a threat that she didn't want to happen. She slowly turned to him, "You don't have to do that." Her sudden shyness clued him into what was going on. She was having second thoughts and he didn't blame her. He was having some himself, but he knew that if he didn't make SOMETHING happen now that he'd forever be caught in this strange world between friendship and relationshiip with her. In his mind it would be better to ruin it all now than be in purgatory forever.

"Zana?" he questioned again.

"What?"

"Is--Shit...is this the first time you've...well that you've been in this place--this situation before?"

"What do you mean?" she asked.

He took a seat and moved so that he was next to her on the bed. She'd curled up on her side and was looking at him with an innocent look that made him feel like a dirty old man considering the thoughts that were going through his mind. Her body hadn't escaped his attention earlier, but he was now trying to block out the fact that he could probably do anything with her that night and get away with it, from the mood she'd been in earlier. He did have a thought though that she needed to be sure about things before he went forward with the events of the evening that seemed to be scripted out for them. "Please don't make me explain this to you," he said.

"I wanna be with you tonight Josh," she said, "Is that so bad?"

"You called me Josh," he said softly reaching a hand towards her cheek. He felt a tingle up his arm when his skin made contact with hers and when her eyes met his. If anything was sure for him that night, he knew that he was going to be with her. The morning would have to sort itself out, but for the moment all he needed was her and all she needed was him.

"That's your name," she said.

"I know," he said, "I know." He took a breath and let himself relax a little. He didn't know if his words would scare her or frighten her, but he needed to be himself for her, if not for his own good then for hers. She needed to know him. "Say that again."

"What?" she asked blinking slowly and smiling. "That's your name?" she questioned.

"No," he said with a smile and leaned closer to her touching his lips to hers for only a moment. "My name. Say my name again."

"Jo-" she was mid word when his mouth crushed down on hers as his body slid closer to her. She pulled him against her as their lips battled and he paused only a moment when her hands roamed over him and began to kneed the muscles of his back.

"Zana?" he finally pulled away to say, "Please tell me no."

"What?" she asked looking very confused at his comment, "About what?"

"Please tell me no," he pleaded, "Because if I do this I think I could get addicted to you."

She smiled, "I could tell you no, but I'd never mean it."

"Just say it anyway."

"No," she said then laughed, "I mean no to the no."

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She was scared out of her mind as his hands roamed over her body. He wasn't rough, actually he was very gentle and seemed to move slowly over her body with a light touch, testing her boundaries before he'd move his hand to the same place and hold her more firmly. She lost contact with what his hands were doing as his lips left hers and began to explore her neck.

Before she knew what was going on he and she were both naked lying together and she had began to explore his body just as he'd explored his. Everything was completely perfect until she heard a ringing noise. It was JC's cellphone playing it's little ring.

"Should you get that?" she asked letting out a huge breath. Her movements stopped and she looked at him in the eyes.

"No," he said and continued to move against her and over her as his cellphone finally clicked over to voicemail. "I should have put that fucking thing on silent."

"Josh!" she said as his lips grazed her ear.

"What?" he said and immediatley stopped everything that he was doing.

"The swearing," she said, "You never swear."

"Correction," he said, "I never swear in front of you...or at least I try not to."

She nodded and pulled him close for a moment.

"You still ok?" he asked taking the pause in their activity to ask her if she was comfortable. Only he would think to do that.

"Yeah," she said.

"Good," he said.

When the phone rang again he groaned, kissed her quickly then moved and grabbed up his phone. He looked at the caller ID for a moment then came back over to where he was sitting.

"Who is it?" she asked.

"No one," he said with a deep sigh. He put the phone down and lay down on the matress again this time not touching her at all.

"Well if it's no one then why are you quiet?" she questioned.

"It was Bobbie," he said, "I mean I think it was...It was an LA number, not one of Alex's or anyone's."

"Oh," she said curling up in the blanket as the cool air in the room settled around her again.

JC let out a huge breath of air. "Shit," he sighed out, "I'm lying here with you and she calls and it just fucks everything up."

"If you want to just go to sleep then--"

"Shit," he sighed. He grabbed up his pants and slid them back on.

"Where are you going?" she asked.

"I'll be back in a minute," he said, "I need--I need--fuck I need a vacation from this shit...I'll be right back." He came back over to her and kissed her then left the room.

The shock of him being gone left her colder than just the air in the room. She reached for her clothes and put them back on then wrapped herself in a blanket and turned so that her back was turned from the door. She closed her eyes and willed herself not to be upset about this. They'd been drinking and things had gotten out of hand.

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At the bottom of the steps JC slid down into a seat and pulled his phone out. He was about to make a call and see what Bobbie wanted when Melinda walked by. It was still fairly noisy in the house, but when she saw him all the sound in the house seemed to disappear. She stared down at him and he stared up at her and she instantly seemed to know that he needed something.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

"My whole life," he said with a sigh.

"Where's your shirt?" she asked with an eyebrow raised.

He turned back to look up the steps. "I guess I left it upstairs."

"You and Farzana--"

"Leave it alone Melly," he said, "I've got to deal with Bobbie and I before I can move onto a bigger disaster like Farzana and I."

"That's not what you were saying about a half hour ago."

JC ducked his head and took a breath thinking about how he'd left things with Farzana. He wasn't good at any of this and it was just another sign that he shouldn't be with her since he'd been right there with her, doing what he wanted to be doing when something had caused them to stop. "Yeah well things change."

"Joshua Scott Chasez look at me," she said.

JC turned his chin up.

"Who are you calling right now?" she asked putting her hand out to touch the phone.

"Bobbie."

"Why?"

"Because she called me and I want her off my case."

"If you call her back the only thing you'll be accomplishing will be to show her that you jump when she calls. You broke up with her and you need to leave her and all her drama in the past. I know that she was in our group of friends and that we all got along, but really Jace, people will tell you the truth about that situation...she wasn't good for you. Not like--" She paused and pointed up the stairs. "Farzana isn't like that. She's almost scared to be here...she'd rather sit in the corner than take up the spotlight...you need someone like that with you."

"I can't do this Melinda," JC said.

"Do what?"

"Do any of this," he said suddenly, "All I want to do at the moment is to get in my car and drive to Maryland and be little Josh again. I can't stay here and be here and be who I'm supposed to be."

Melinda sat down next to him and put an arm around him. "You don't have to be anybody," she said, "You made that clear with the divorce from Pearlman. You can be whoever you want."

"Easier said than done Melinda," he said, "You can quit your job and go get another one. What am I supposed to do when I'm not JC of NSYNC anymore."

"You won't have to worry about that for a long time," she said.

"I worry about it now," he said angrily, "Because I don't want it any more. I'd rather be in the studio and never be seen again if it were up to me."

"What the hell is going on Josh?" Melinda asked.

"Do you know that I can't remember the last time I did my own laundry?" he asked.

"What does that have to do with anything?" she asked.

"It's got to do with everything," he said, "Farzana reminds me over and over again that I'm this freak of nature. I can't go anywhere without thinking about taking someone with me."

"You need to relax."

"Again," he said, "Easier said than done. Did you know that I can't sing right now?"

"What?"

"I haven't sung since the end of the tour," he said, "My voice cracks and I feel like I'm gonna puke every time I think about singing."

"What?" she repeated, "Have you talked to a doctor?"

"I called him earlier and I'm gonna make an appointment, but I don't know if I should be seeing a throat doctor or a shrink."

"Josh don't talk like that," she said.

"Why not Melinda?" he asked, "It's the fucking truth. I don't know what I'm gonna do."

"Josh you need sleep," she said, "You're talking like you've been up for too many days in a row. You need a nap and no more alcohol."

"Whatever Melinda," he said angrily and pushed himself up. He stomped up the steps back to Johnny's office and went to go back to bed praying that Farzana was sleeping so that he could just rest. He wanted to spend time with her, but he felt like tomorrow would be a better time to do that.

She was lying on her stomach, curled into the blanket with her shirt back on. He slid out of his jeans again and got into bed cautiously.

"Josh?" she asked.

He reached out and pulled her close, holding back things that he wanted to say to her. "It's ok Farzana, go back to sleep."

"You ok?" she asked.

He nodded his head and kissed her forehead, "Just go back to sleep. I'll tell you about it in the morning."

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